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Wonderful post! As a fellow "good girl" I can most certainly relate. A major fuck-up / failure / disaster is perhaps the best thing that can happen to us. We finally get the chance to see that, wow, phew, we are more than just our achievements, our resume, and the ways we please other people by getting it all so damned right. Let all that fall away, and we're stlll who we are, and by golly, people still love us.

In fact, I was just thinking about this phenomenon last night, listening to an old song I hadn't heard in awhile, but liked quite a bit in high school (though I didn't heed its advice): Vienna, by Billy Joel. (Don't laugh; it's a good song, really). One of my favorite lines in it is, "Too bad that it's the life you lead, you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need. Though you can see when you're wrong, you know you can't always see when you're right." (And then he does one of his weird Billy Joel "oooh" things.)

As for twenty questions....I'm always up for tales of Urplet and Rabbit, as well as updates on where you are (or aren't?) with your fiction writing.

As I already know TTD's real name, I won't ask for that. ;-)


I have a feeling that maybe I need to read more archives before asking questions, but here goes anyway:

What made you move to Iowa? How did you meet TTD? Was having children a piece of cake for you or did you have to work at it? What do you think of Des Moines (you're relatively close, right?) What kinds of things are there to do for fun in Iowa?

I think that's enough for now.


My questions: Do you think an Ivy League education was worth the cost? Would you want your boys to go to an Ivy League school? What are your hopes for your boys?

And . . . will you ask me a question, too? I'd love a springboard for a blog entry. Thanks!

tracy de broon

My mother grew up in Ireland, a country that only legalized divorce in the mid-90s, and so I grew up not only thinking I'd get married and stay married forever, but that there really was no other choice.

I have an uncle in Ireland who was separated from his wife for more than thirty years--twenty of which he happily spent living with another woman until she died in 1989, and nobody could attend the funeral because it would be disrespectful to his wife, whom he'd have divorced long before had he been allowed. All of this caused a falling out in the family that lasted until very recently.

Now, I did get married and still hope to stay married forever, but I also see the absurdity of letting one choice, albeit a big choice, take over the rest of your life because you feel you can't change your mind. I say this as a "second wife" who has been asked more than once whether it bothers me that my husband was married before. It does not--although I'm sorry he had to go through it, I'm actually rather proud of the courage he had to undo what was in his case a mistake and get his life back, even with all the tsk-tsking that followed.


All of this divorce is making me quite bitter and hopeless-feeling. I don't ever want to get married now; what's the point if we might just take it back?

A question: What was the most unusual injury/death you've seen in the ER?
And when did you know you wanted to marry TTD?

aka Marina

May I gently say as a child of divorce -- though not actually an adult participant -- that maybe, just maybe, first marriages aren't "mistakes"? (I think that's all I can say just now without getting preachy and/or maudlin and/or pissing off people who might misread this comment, but do you see where I'm coming from?) The only man who ever broke my heart has now apologized to me about ninety million times for leaving me precipitously at a time in my life when I could least handle it and I am NOW -- though most definitely not THEN -- quite grateful that he did so. Because we were together I moved home and was in close proximity to my family at a time when I should (but wouldn't otherwise) have been. The point of all this being, of course, what Bihari has so much more eloquently posted: pain is not only pain. pain is, on occasion, an avenue to growth. and often we don't know this until many years afterward.

I do hope this makes sense to someone. I'm in the midst of being a confidante to two people in the throes of divorce, both of whom have children, so the issue is even more germaine (sp?) than it would otherwise be.

very tired in WV

Monica C.

Here's a very non-cerebral question: "What do you think of the show, 'Trauma: Life in the ER'?

*I used to watch it regulalry, years ago, but once I had children, my tolerance for all things bloody/gory/scary/dangerous/related to running too fast and poking one's eye out or not chewing adequately and therefore choking half to death became absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to watch.


I divorced 30 years ago, did not remarry (yet!) and raised my children alone. As a former "good girl" and also an ivy league alumna, the divorce was actually my first authentic grown-up decision. It taught me many things, and one of them was to suspend judgment about other people's marriages until all the facts are in (they never are).


and i want to know:
did you always want two children [or more?]? was there a point when you considered if one was enough?


my husband was a whole person when I met him, despite the break up of his first marriage, because two great friends who had both been through it invited him over constantly and just told him to let all the negative stuff go

over and over and over

thank god for those two incredible people


Just found you today--This really hit home with me. I never failed as spectacularly with anything as I did with my divorce and over three years later I am still recovering. You expressed the experience beautifully.

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