The Parent's Choice Awards

No, the title's not a typo.  I am acting on my own here, without consulting anybody else, even TTD, in handing out the following awards to these richly deserving videos.  Oh, and about which: yes, I let my children watch videos.  We turned off the cable a few months ago, mostly because we want to have less and less TV in our lives as the kids get older, so videos are our one source of televised entertainment.  And oh yes, I use them. 

I wasn't going to, of course.  I was going to have TV-free kids.  But someone gave us a Baby Einstein when Rabbit was about eight months old, and hey, would you look at that: time for me to cook dinner, without a baby on my right hip.  So we did Baby Einstein, and then Thomas the Tank Engine, and gradually I have become embarrassingly familiar with the entire genre of Kid Videos.  I grew up on Sesame Street every morning, and Mr. Rogers every evening, and not much else, and that seemed to work out OK, so I'm hoping we can get some kind of balance like that around here.  You know, a little Mama down time for the breakfast-clearing and dinner prep, a little end-of-day quiet time for Da Boyz, but none of this TV-blaring-in-the-background stuff which always disconcerted me when I visited friends' houses as a child.

Sounds good, right?  Well, we go for brutal honesty here at Iowadrift, so I'll admit that there are times when I adopt a Too Much Is Enough policy toward the video.  When the kids are sick.  When the weather's been terrible for days.  When we are all too bloody tired to get out the door for yet another healthful and educational activity, and we just want to lounge on a rainy afternoon.  When I am exhausted from working until midnight and TTD has to leave at 7:30 am for weekend rounds.  When I am horribly irritable and the boys are too and we're driving each other nuts, and we've already been to the park and played in the sandbox and made brownies and colored and set up traintracks and played the guitar and made lizards from Play-Doh and I feel I have discharged my parental duties, dammit, and now I want some internet time.  When we're on a six hour trip in the minivan.

So, given that we've had ample time to check out a variety of videos, here's my picks for best, worst, and most irritating.

Most Likely To Make the Kids Laugh Out Loud
Pingu, that claymation penguin who speaks his own language.  His pratfalls seem to touch some three year old nerve.  Well, hell, don't you think it's hilarious when someone gets clobbered with a flounder?  A dead flounder?

Nicest To Look At
Thomas the Tank Engine.  I love that soothingly British Island of Sodor, and I love model trains, so what's not to like? 

Most Boring
Um, that would be Thomas again.  The stories, while unobjectionable, are devoid of humor, suspense, irony, or dramatic interest.  Which leaves us with, um, scenery.  And I did give that its due.

Most Strenuous
Dora the Explorer.  I know, I know, who can object to a Hispanic girl explorer and her animal-rescuer cousin.  It's wholesome, it teaches the kids, like, one Spanish word per episode, it involves a rather watered-down type of problem-solving, and it's relentlessly positive.  But that last is the problem: it is RELENTLESSLY POSITIVE.  Everyone's always SINGING and DANCING and ENCOURAGING EACH OTHER and CHEERING and saying, "WE DID IT!"  It's so...American!  It makes me tired.  Plus, the songs suck.

Most Appalling
Caillou.  Whiny!  Irritating!  High-pitched!  Stupid!  Boring!  Smug!  Complacent!  And with a mother who looks like a potato sack and never loses her temper!  If Caillou were my four year old boy, I'd be hiding under the bed with a bottle of gin.

Cleverest
Veggie Tales.  It's the song lyrics.  And the cucumber playing a tuba.

Best to Listen to As You Cook
Baby Einstein.  I totally don't buy that videos-as-developmental-tools bullshit--who are we kidding?  these videos are SO for the mother's benefit, so she can pee in peace--but I have no objection to listening to the Goldberg Variations or Eine Kliene Nachtmusik while I chop peppers.

Best Overall
Kipper.  These are British, of course.  Gentle, quiet, easy on the eyes, entertaining, with good music, irresistable accents, and a sort of relaxed, ironic approach to life.  Two dogs and two pigs do things like go swimming, or meet aliens, whom they offer lollipops.  Where Dora, say, is all about enthusiasm and success, Kipper is all about a kind of bemused resignation in the face of life's recalcitrance.  Me for the latter.

Oh, and speaking of which, the video which allowed me to write this has just finished.  The boys are sitting side by side on the couch, both with pillows on their laps and books atop the pillows, because that's how Rabbit got himself organized, and then Urp had to come get me and tell me, "Book! Pillow!" and have me help him get organized exactly the same way.  Because the way Rabbit does it is The Way, people.  Remember that.
 

Comments

[nate]

I had to delurk to say: THANK YOU for the Caillou comment! My daughter loves him, but I. Can't. Stand. Him. The whining! Make it STOP! Rosie's kind of okay, but the rest of the family needs a heavy dose of...something. (The father's a sap, too.) And the songs are just weird, and we can't understand WHAT's going on w/ the stuffed animals most of the time.

Our house has been heavily dependant on Maisy for 2 years now. A friend introduced us, C got addicted--and at 3 1/2 yrs old, she's still in love w/ the whole Maisy gang. We like it b/c it's not as relentless as Dora, not as whiny as Caillou, has elements of goofiness to it, and is in fact rather soothing in some ways.

Arthur runs a close second, but Sesame Street hasn't been in evidence much for at least a year.
I think I need to check out this Pingu fellow, though.

BTW, the best deconstruction I've ever seen of any children's program was done about Maisy, by Mimi Smartypants.
http://smartypants.diaryland.com/111504.html
Hilarious.

[Blythe]

I desperately miss mr rogers and I would happily sit my kids down in front of him every single day if I could, even with my tv hating self. Also, I adore your description of Kipper - love his attitude.

[elswhere]

Caillou is without a doubt the most annoying kid on TV.

And Dora...well, yes, overall. But that "boingy boingy boingy bing" song in the Princess video, where she teaches the rocks to sing, that one's priceless. Also, eerily catchy.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I haven't seen Caillou in years, but Oobi gets my vote for most appalling.

Ick. Bad grammar, creepy hands with eyeballs...

[Elizabeth]

Oh, Oobi is the worst. I agree about "Veggie Tales". I think the religious aspect keeps people from watching them, but the song lyrics are wickedly clever and the musical arrangements are top quality.

I find Kipper to be very soothing. How do you feel about the WonderPets and Backyardigans?

[BitterSugarPixie]

I'm waiting for the episode of Caillou in which his formerly restrained parents finally snap, take him out in a field, and have him shot.

And what's that show on PBS with the sloth and the little frog and the monkeys that live in a tree? I love that show!

[emilie]

Pooh! Winnie the pooh! Carley Simon opening the episodes. 1978 or whatever long-ago year version (not the new ones). I push my daughter aside and take over the couch.

But, what do you do when one of the bad, annoying songs gets stuck in your head.. for like days at a time? It drives me mad.

[Sarah]

ooh! My kid is so old that I think I missed most of these, including the dread Caillou (though I did spend a lot of time avoiding Barney). Our best-beloved were Wallace and Grommit (the three-pack), Raffi in concert, and a wonderful three-story set of William Steig stories--oddly semi-animated from the illustrated books (hard to explain, but thoroughly decent). Brave Irene. Then of course there was the hideous plunge into Disney and Nickolodeon. I'd rather watch 20 straight hours of Cartoon Network than one of Disney...

[Monica C.]

Love the Backyardigans. Love Max and Ruby, although there is something quite disturbing about it, LOL.

My kids (2 and 4) also love Tom and Jerry - how retro!